When I closed My Eyes

Bonus Episode: “When I Closed My Eyes” | Nicole’s Notes Podcast

How Medical Trauma Creates Hypervigilance and Survival Strategies That Last a Lifetime

At age four, I was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. From that day forward, my body was no longer my own. Doctors and nurses came into my room at any hour. They did procedures without warning. They violated the sanctity of my sleep and my autonomy.

By age nine, I had a bat under my bed.

Every night, if I didn’t fall asleep immediately, I would lie in the dark and plan. I would imagine an intruder coming through my door. I would plan my defence: hit him in the groin with the bat, run to my parents’ room, find safety.

This wasn’t normal childhood anxiety. This was a trained response. The hospital had taught me to be afraid.

This episode explores the psychological aftermath of medical trauma. It’s the story I didn’t tell in the main series because I didn’t understand it until now. At 54, I’m finally connecting the dots: the bat, the sneaking undetected into my parents’ room, the hypervigilance, the refusal to ask for help—it all connects to that first invasive procedure at age four.

Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussions of childhood trauma, medical PTSD, anxiety, and hypervigilance. If you’re struggling with trauma, please reach out to a mental health professional.

Episode Duration: ~13 minutes

Best For: People with chronic illness, medical trauma survivors, mental health advocates, parents of chronically ill children, healthcare professionals who want to understand patient perspective

This bonus episode bridges The Exacerbation and The Feeding Tube.

Stay Fierce | The World Will Adjust